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From May 18, 2019

The politics of control

[I posted this on my War Journal blog on May 18, 2019… and now its come to pass. The Supreme Court has fallen into the fascist grip, and, like India, we are beginning to crash into an authoritarian government ruled by the court. If the Dems don’t do something strong and fast and solid, it’s going to get worse and worse.]

As it seems everyone must know other than those who are willfully ignorant, these reactionary Republicans around the country who are passing Draconian abortion laws are not doing it out of any love for children, unborn or otherwise.

They are doing it for the love of control. They want to control the behavior of women, especially poor women, by intimidation and threat. They want to make them afraid to have sex and punish them if they do.

And ultimately, they just want to drive the issue before the Supreme Court, which they have now gotten suitably packed with like-minded reactionaries who may–unless their humanity somehow reasserts itself under the pressure of realizing what insanity it would be–reverse Roe V. Wade. Thus affirming their need for control. It’s really pathetic.

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Life with the kids… the ’90s

[This is the eighth entry in my series on The Children. This is excerpts and  connecting comments from several journal entries during the 1990s when John, Lucy and Liana were all together in the Hickory Street house in Jesup. Some of the entries are from a “writing journal” that I was keeping as part of a class I was taking on using journaling with students.]

September 17, 1994

John Nelson went off to college today.

It didn’t quite feel like he was gone until I turned out the light and closed the front door before heading for the bedroom for the night. As I closed the door, I realized I wouldn’t be leaving it unlocked for him to come in late anymore. Locking it had a strange sense of of unpleasantness to it, as if I were locking him out. Realizing… he’s not just spending the night with a friend, not just visiting his mother, he’s now living on his own.

Certainly, he’ll be back to visit lots, I’m sure, but — he’s gone.

If I haven’t spent enough time going in and sitting on the edge of his bed and talking, saying goodnight, I love you son — if I haven’t said it by now, it’s likely too late.

I think I have tried, I hope I have tried enough… Now I hope I can turn him loose and not drive him away by trying to do what I may come to feel I should have done and didn’t. I love him too much to do that.

It’s really incredible that this moment is actually here now. It doesn’t seem so long ago that he slept all night on my chest night after night, that I walked up and down the floor of that apartment in Independence to keep him sleeping, that I ran around playing football with him in Granmommie’s back yard, the he walked down the sidewalk with us, that he came here, a serious but smiling eighth-grader.

How could all those moments have become this moment?

September 18, 1994

We had dinner with John in the ‘Boro tonight… took him out for pizza with all the kids… it was pretty normal. The whole process has been pretty normal, actually. Except things were a little strained at his dorm room… his roomie a little stressed maybe… but we sat and watched a movie and it was normalizing, I suppose. Stacy popped in and out, pretty normal for her…

But it all sorta served as a formal break, a little goodbye, although not so dramatic as when I “went off to college.” John has been so self-contained and confident in all this, not seeming dependent on us for much. It’s been a good transition…

September 20, 1994

Ugh! Tough soccer game for my little guys last night! Lost 5-0 and looked pretty foolish doing it. The opponent was a new coach, but he had three strong, very fast boys. I love my kids! They had a grand time losing and are ready to play again and score a goal!

Liana loved her first soccer game, though she was a little nervous about it…. but I need to work on my attitude! I didn’t like losing… work to do. Mainly in my little mini-Zendo on the screen porch.

But Lucy’s team won tonight, so now I feel better!

September 22, 1994

A busy week! Tonight, Liana had her second soccer game. My little team did great, though we lost again — one or two very fast players on the other team. But we’re getting into it! Amazing!

And tonight, Liana sat in the middle of her bed holding up her two bright orange soccer socks, holding them together, carefully evening them out, running her fingers down the full fuzzy length of them. The look of loving wonder on her face as she experienced the joy of her first pair of soccer socks was the pure expression of a child encountering life, finding unexpected joy in its little things,  a selfless moment of experience, a wordless wave of life…

September 26, 1994

Tonight, tho we lost ignominiously, Lucy had the half of her five-year soccer career! We were down three or four goals and striving mightily to score. Lucy was at forward, striker position. Over and over she dribbled the ball in to the goal box, going around much larger defenders with almost no help, to bring the ball within scoring range. She almost scored once and turned the ball around at mid-field numerous times! She took the ball from the opponents two or three times, as well.

She was darting around, in and out of traffic, running down players from behind, and once she even knocked down another player who tried to steal the ball! It was great! She played so hard, but we just couldn’t get our other forwards down the field. Sarah was doing great, too, but the two of them were not enough. Lucy did make a great pass to Sarah to start an attack, but the defense was too strong. Lucy felt, quite rightly, proud and good after the match!

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Anna June’s second year

July 2019

Ann June is progressing so rapidly in every aspect of growth that we seem to be remarking g on some new amazement daily! She walks, and runs and spins, with great dexterity, maneuvering through doorways and up and down steps well. She’s also beginning to say words as well as make long non-word sentences.

Her first word was definitely “chicken.” I had thought for awhile that she was saying that whenever we looked out the window at the chickens, but I wasn’t sure. Now, when I take her out to look at the new chicks in the chicken tractor, she says it as she’s pointing at them – says it over and over, so it’s clear she knows what she’s saying! She also said, I think, “out there” as she was pointing out the window. I always ask, do you want to go out there? Which she loves to do!

Other words will be coming soon! She does very well at letting us know what she wants or what she does and doesn’t like! She really LOVES ice cream!

And of course, she loves books! She will often come to me or Taylor, book in hand, and plop down in our lap to read. She’s quite adept at flipping pages with her little thumb and sometimes kisses pages with pictures of sweet bunnies (Beatrix Potter is a fave!) or other animals. She does really respond to the animals, especially our chickens.

Ah, yes, another couple of words that she clearly knows, though she doesn’t say, are ‘bath,’ ‘ high chair’ and ‘Marvin’. She does say ‘Granny’ or something close! She and Marvin play so well together now!

August 3, 2019

June continues to amaze us with her antics! Her newest little thing is a big smile with her nose all wrinkled up, laughing and being coy. I think I’ve mentioned her eyebrow antics. She’s always had very expressive eyebrows – flashing them up and down — but she also does that little right eyebrow raised expression just like my dad used to do! I always tried to do that – lifting one without lowering the other – but never could. She just does it naturally, and uses it so appropriately, too!

She does look a lot like my dad in his childhood pictures, Taylor has pointed out.

She’s also doing this little thing with her tongue while wrinkling up her nose and grinning – hamming it up for sure! She loves to write on my journal pages, as well as drawing and coloring.

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John Nelson Eden…

[I probably should have begun with this one! My first child, so the beginning of this whole saga… but, like my war journal, it’s an exploded timeline here, developing perspective as it unfolds. This is the sixth post in the series on The Children.]

October 7, 1976

John Nelson Eden was born this morning! I can’t begin to capture the torrent of emotions and thoughts. The love, the joy, the awe and wonder of it all is perhaps best, and surely forever, emblazoned in my memory in that moment when I first looked into his red, screaming, screwed-up little face as the doctor held him up and said, “Hey boy, say hello to your mommy and daddy!”

That contorted little face was so beautiful, and that cry has to be the sweetest sound I ever heard!

It was an experience of ultimate magnitude, transcending anything else in my experience. Now I need some sleep real bad! Just a few more thoughts and I must go to bed…

Connie, his mom, was just beautiful through it all! Even as nothing prepared us for the experience as a whole, so not even the suggestions of veterans about how it brought them closer prepared me for just how meaningful it really is for the bond between us.

The effect on my perspective clear. There is a great difference between planning and thinking of “a child” in the abstract and planning and thinking of John Nelson, this actual precious bundle of potential!

November 17, 1976 (A Wednesday night)

To John Nelson:

As I sit here in the loofa with you, son, I can hardly contain my feelings! You’ve been having colic almost all afternoon, and mommy is all worn out, so I’ve rocked you to sleep, and now, you’re sleeping, fitfully, here beside me while I study.

Every now and then, you have a gas pain or something, and I just reach over and pat you on the tummy and murmur a few comforting words, and you settle back down, sometimes with with a little sigh that is sweet in that gentle, innocent way that I suppose only babies have. Sometimes, when you have these bad nights and mommy is so tired, you sleep on my chest while I read, and so I feel very much in tune with all your little pains, your cries and whimpers, and your little sighs as you try to sleep. You’ve always been a noisy little guy! High level of spontaneous vocalizations, in technical terms. But all of this is just a preface.

Tomorrow, you’ll be six weeks old by the calendar. In the last six weeks, you have made a profound and lasting impact on me as a person, and I just want to record a little of my feelings now for you to maybe read one day when you understand and appreciate my feelings. Joy and wonder and love have been the main things I’ve been feeling. This love for you is so strong there’s just no way to really express it! I feel so close, so in tune with you and your needs and responses, and so committed to you in the way that only this love can inspire, and so proud of you! Yet all of this fails to really describe the feeling!

This tremendous love that I have for you, John Nelson, is more than just an emotion. In it I find the key to the understanding of existence, for it is in response to this internal feeling — part of the relationship between you and me — that I will be to you all the things that will become my contribution to your humanity, to your personhood and thus to all humanity.

The degree of my awareness of this feeling and my response to it is the measure of my own humanity. The degree to which I allow the external and internal problems and pressures of life — and there are pressures: work, school, church, home life — to interfere with my response to you is the measure of my failure of you.

But if I, and your mother, and your grandparents, your relatives, and all of the people with whom you live in relationship are half-way able to be real persons to you, you will know all this. And you will know what I mean when I say, “Son, your daddy loves you!”

January 9, 1977

It’s almost hard to believe that it’s 1977. Somehow, I always thought things would be different by 1977, if we managed to make it that far! But here it is and here I am — I’ll be 31, thirty-one, this year, a settled family man by all appearances, yet not knowing what the coming year will bring.

I begin student teaching next week, should be certified after summer session, with 20 hours of graduate credit… had thought I’d teach her in Independence, get that master’s degree, but now I don’t know. Maybe I’ll try to get a job in a tribal school in Arizona, go to school there. We just kinda need to leave Missouri… lots of reasons.

John Nelson’s birthdays:

[In the journal I began in 1979, is this list of where JN lived for each of his first 13 birthdays. It is a pretty clear picture of how our lives were a bit nomadic for those years.]

1976 – born in Independence, Missouri.

1977 – Crownpoint, New Mexico (Eastern Navajo)

1978 – Jesup, Georgia

1979 – Jesup, Georgia

1980 – Koinonia Farms, Georgia (near Plains)

1981 – Eugene, Oregon (West Broadway St.)

1982 – Eugene, Oregon (West Broadway St.)

1983 – Eugene, Oregon (West Broadway St.) / Dad in Florence

1984 – Eugene, Oregon (West Broadway St.) / Dad in Florence

1985 – El Cajon, California

1986 – Ramona, California (spend 2nd half of 5th grade in Florence)

1987 – Ramona, California

1988 – Ramona, California

1989 – Jesup, Georgia (with Dad)

August 7, 1979

(In Winter Spring, Florida visiting Uncle Stewart.)

John-John got his second set of stitches today. Fell or something while we were in a health food store, split his forehead open, blood all over his face again, took ten years off my life and three stitches to close it up. It was all about two inches from the three stitches he got last summer.

After it was all over, I had to go into the restroom and cry. I still could cry just thinking about it. He doesn’t much like hospitals or doctors now for sure! But it didn’t even slow him down. Half an hour after the stitches, he was laughing, running, jumping — and kept it up all afternoon!

[The stitches last summer came after he ran into a metal band in a health food store in Machias, Maine on a summer trip there. Someone in the store took us to the local hospital, and I’ll never forget holding him along the way and realizing I could see his bone through the split in his skin. A very sweet doctor there wrapped him in a cloth and sewed it up and he was calm and not crying before the sewing was done.]

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Lucy

September 14, 1985

Returned Wednesday from our trip to Ga./Fla…. was a good visit, but sure good to be home to Canary Road. Lucy was quite a hit with my family! We got to meet the four new additions to the family as well… all very cute kids!

Lucy was born here in Florence, July 29 of last year. Loves it here, as do we… life in these trees!

Will I remember… Lucy’s little squeals, imitating birds, her first symbol sounds for the animals in the book? …the murmur of her attempts to moo like the cow, quack like the duck, and saying “ffsh” — so lightly on the vowel sounds — for “fish”? I fear no construction my mind can reproduce will be so dear and wonderful as her beautiful presence. So precious to the heart of man are these growing signs of life’s light in the eyes and laughter of a child! Especially this child, this Lucy, this expression of love.

Will I remember? Will I remember the “sniff, sniff” for “flower,” and her blowing for “candle”? I’m sure Grandpa will remember her very Italian shoulder shrug with elbow in, palm inverted, eyebrow raised gesture as if to ask, “So, who knows!”

I don’t know if I’ll remember, but I know I’ll remember how much I love her…. One of life’s ironies is that children can never appreciate how much they are loved by their parents until they have children of their own. And then it’s sometimes hard to communicate that understanding… as I have tried to do with my mother. I often think of how much Lucy’s grandparents would love seeing her interest and absorption in the little tasks — like putting the little toy fish in the big green fish with a removable head…

November 8, 1985

And tonight she’s learning to drive her little car/trike around. Of course, her favorite word is “booby.” And she’s trying to play games with us. Kissing her finger after Mom clips her nails as if it hurt… Then smiling so slyly…

Lucy’s words — she knows and understands so many words now, at 15 1/2 months — hard to even list all of them. Words she says or tries to say are easier to list: penguin, hot, socks, uh-oh, bye-bye, boobies, mama, daddy, fish, more, hi-ya! — all these she’s been saying for some time now. Plus others that I forget… Last week, she said “water” and then “wow!” (with great gusto!) — and, of course, “mine.”

December 22, 1985

Lucy’s second Christmas is shaping up well — she says “Tris tree!” and is very excited, although she cried as if her heart would break when I cut it down in the woods!

February 16, 1986

My Sunday afternoons hanging out with Lucy are, for the most part, a very enjoyable time together. She has a hard time accepting that Mom is right there in the workshop but she can’t have her… Things are going pretty well, though, and we’re having fun. Today, we went up to the old cabin up the slope. Lucy climbed up the steps to the porch and said, “Round.” I couldn’t figure out what she was asking until she said, “Round, open!” Then I remembered suddenly that, last week, we went up on this porch, and when she wanted to go in the door, I had said, “I’ll go around and open the door for you.” She remembered, and that’s exactly what she wanted me to do again. She’s too much!

March 12, 1986

Another one of those events in Lucy’s progress as a child that needs to be recorded for future amazement! Tonight, she discovered how to really jump up from flat-footed! She was so pleased with herself that she kept doing it over and over, just reveling in that feeling of being able to get both feet off the ground at the same time under her own power!

She is quite a live-wire these days, running around the house and the yard, bumping and rolling and tumbling and laughing and having a ball. She is lots of fun to play with and so sweet-natured and happy most of the time. She can be a bit stubborn still and doesn’t want to be controlled. And a little mean streak, too! Her favorite book now is the Big Fire Engine Book, which she is very into. We’ve read it about four times tonight, but she keeps picking it up again and carrying it around. I guess it’s pushed Good Night Moon out of first place at last!

At times I feel that watching a child grow and change is life’s sweetest joy! Though always tinged with that little ache that is life.

June 20, 1986

Lucy can count to four! She asked for four cookies, so I said, “Hold out your hand!” and counted “one” as I put the first one in her hand. Then, as I put the second one in her hand, she said, “two.” Then as I gave her another, she said, “two, three…” and then “four” as I gave her the last one, obviously quite aware that she had what she had asked for…

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She’s growing up

(This is the third installment in the series The children. See The children… intro for an introduction… These posts are all in the category The children…I think I will try alternating between journal entries on June and Marvin and entries on the others, keeping the June/Marvin entries chronological and the others more random, time wise. We’ll see how that goes!)

January 20, 2019

A busy season, not kept up here… writing with my new real fountain pen that Taylor gave me for Christmas! So smooth! So much to catch up on with Anna June’s life! She’s so close to walking and talking it’s scary… can stand w/only a little help balancing, and she takes little steps if you hold her hand. She’s also eating a little solid food, with predictable results for diaper changes… She’s a big girl now!

Her quirky personality continues to delight us and continues to add new little elements. She’s been a little sick with a cold and cough the last couple of weeks, so has a hard time sleeping. I’ve been doing a lot of walking and rocking, and she’s slept many hours on my chest or cuddled up to me. It’s so sweet!

She’s also quite a brave and rambunctious kid! At the moment, she has a big bruise on her cheek and a knot on her head from falling — usually because she tries to do too many things at once, like standing up and reaching down to pick something up. But she’s a very happy kid too! She loves to laugh and seems to know what’s funny! She laughs when I tease her and tickle her tummy, or when I snort and chase her across the floor, and she always laughs like she’s really proud of herself when she pulls up on a chair.

She’s a real explorer, too! She bears close watching, this one. Especially when she’s playing on her own, as she’s tried to go out the back door, and she loves to push any door back and forth. She knows how to push toys back and forth too, and slide or throw them across the floor! She is almost eight months old now, so I guess she’s gonna be developing even faster in the next few months. Taylor and I are enjoying her so much, trying to be aware of how quickly these precious early months go by, and not miss a moment. I’m home five days a week, mostly, other than a few meetings or games, so I’m involved, deeply, day-to-day, and loving it, loving them, my sweet, sweet family.

January 27, 2019

June has been a wild-baby-wild baby tonight! Crawling all over Granny’s house, carrying a little pink sock. Up and down the steps from den to living room and back over and over, laughing and playing with me, so sweet! She pulls up on everything and is sitting in her highchair eating bits of food and bread, which she loves. And she loves to drink water from a glass. She’s close to holding it herself, too.

Her little cooings and babbling and spitting sounds are so sweet that I hardly want her to start talking! But that will be sweet too! We all enjoy her so much! Marvin is doing better with her, though still some issues.

I’ve not yet done anything re: connecting with the kids… I guess I’m afraid. But Liana’s birthday is coming soon…!

January 30, 2019

June’s energetic little forays into the world around her are so delightful! Tonight, upstairs, she was crawling about with a little tin of sleep balm in her hand, making her little “aaargghh” sound, chewing on it, throwing it across the floor, then crawling after it and banging it and rubbing it vigorously on the floor. And intermittently looking at us, smiling with delight over her new toy! She does love to go on stroller rides around the pond and watch the chickens peck about. She loves to be outside, even just to look out the window. It usually calms her if she’s upset or crying just to look out at the chickens or whatever might be in view. She gets excited whenever the back door is opened and loves crawling around in the grass.

Still trying to figure out what to say to Liana. I don’t understand why she won’t communicate with me, so it’s hard to know how to break through. I need to start with saying how important she is to me, and how I love her and miss her so much and want to be connected… or do I need to apologize abjectly for my stupid failure to confide in her from the beginning? My fear and weakness in not just being open about it all… I guess some combination of these two approaches… I think I don’t need to say too much, which is my tendency, but I definitely need to say something.

April 7, 2019

April already and things are much the same. I discussed it all with Therese last week, and she suggested I keep trying, meditate on what to say and how to say it…

June continues to be a darling child, 10 months old in a couple of days. She loves to walk around holding my hands. She just laughs and crows when she walks. We went to the park, and she walked, with help, all over, crawled a very long crawl across the lawn. She’s almost saying words at times and loves playing with Marvin. He’s gradually learning to share, thought it’s hard. Most things are better with Marvin, though some things are worse. His defiance is really hard for me to deal with. Bedtimes and mornings are a lot better usually – though sometimes mornings are hard.

I never hear from anyone, but I guess I rarely call anyone… I guess we’re all drifting into separate lives…

May 2, 2019

Anna June is totally walking! Not yet 11 months old, she can go all over, change directions, almost go up the step. She took the first few tentative steps from chair to couch at least two weeks ago, and walked from Granny’s chair to the kitchen counter, almost 10 steps, about five days ago. She’s been getting braver every day, and yesterday walked all the way across the big room. She is so proud of herself and so cute when she walks, with her wide stance and determined attitude!

She plays with Marvin like a big kid, and they have so much fun. He’s gradually learning how to be careful of her, though he still wants to grab her and has hurt her a few times. He’s doing much better at bedtime now, going to sleep on his own after a few books. And better, usually, in the mornings. He had a great fourth birthday — four kids to play with plus Uncle Stewart! (Whom he loves and who has the same birthday!) And Kay & Jaap, plus Taylor’s friends from Cherokee, Kiwi and Sarah, who brought her six-year old daughter.

Anna June continues to be such a sweet girl, hugging us and saying HI!, waving, saying Da-da and Mommie and Nanny — we think! She seems to understand so much of what we say that we think she’ll be talking soon. Well, she is talking, just not in words that we know! And she loves to sing!

Also clearly loves music! Any time I play my guitar, she immediately zooms over and wants to play and dance! She notices music on TV and dances to it, too.

She loves drinking water or tea and can hold the glass by herself to drink. Sometimes she spills, but she is really good at holding a glass and drinking. She also loves to go outside. She asks to go out, pointing and making sounds, and loves to play in the grass. She also loves to chase the chickens and push the gate back and forth. And eat dirt.

One of the cutest things about her is the variety of little expressions she makes. Hard to describe, but she’s been doing this little quick eyebrow raise for a long time, since very early on… plus she nods and shakes her head and makes animated expressions that are so endearing. She just came over to me and climbed up into my lap and read my little red notebook, tried to put on my glasses, looked for the pen, and smacked her lips when she found my empty cup. And was just generally charming!

She continues to find sleeping on top of me or in my lap her favorite nap-time place. But I haven’t had to walk her at night for several months now. She also plays well alone. She loves to put things into containers and then take them out again. She loves to play with Marvin’s trains, cars, trucks, etc. She tries to put the train cars together like she sees Marvin doing… So many things she does in imitation of what she sees us all doing that it’s hard to describe — or remember!

Stewart was here for the party, and I talked to John and Orion on O’s birthday, but otherwise have had no communication with anyone. Will try again to talk to Lucy and some of my siblings — and still trying to find a way back in with Liana. She is, according to her IG, starting up her herbal consulting practice. Hope to talk to her about it, as I’ve been making lots of tea, tinctures, infusions and salves for the past two years. Maybe she’ll talk to me about that…

May 16, 2019

Almost a full moon…. Life goes on. I was resentful of the lack of response to my comments on Li’s post about the consulting practice. I needed to confess that. Trying to understand. Therese suggested I work on a letter, even though it may never be delivered. Working on beginning that here. Maybe and un-ID’d blog post or something…

On the Anna June front, things are great! She is so energetic and loves to play and walks so well now! She walked all the way around the garden today! A long way! Curious and investigating everything! And so sweet and charming to everyone. She does love to eat, though she has no teeth yet.

June 8, 2019

Anna June is ONE tomorrow! She’s eating blueberries by the dozen tonight, just loves them! Taylor’s friend Irina just brought them to us, so we’re all enjoying them. Stewart, Jaap and Kay are to come here for the birthday party tomorrow, so we should mark the day well! Taylor’s making another amazing cake, a vanilla-sprinkles cake, and lasagne like we had when we brought her home. We looked for buttonbush flowers and mallow today, like the ones we found on the way to the birthing center, but no luck. Maybe later.

Am working on writing something to Liana. And thinking about doing a blog for the kids… a way to make it current. Maybe start with selected bits from this journal.

June 9, 2019

Anna June’s birthday! She’s a happy girl! Slept thru the night last night! She’s a beautiful and very special child. She’s been walking for more than a month now, can almost go up and down the steps without sitting down, and she can crawl all the way to the top of the stairs – which gives me no end of worry! She can also drink from a glass and eat with a fork — which she loves to do! Her manual dexterity is unparalleled She also has excellent balance and strength and can walk backwards! She seems to understand a lot of what we say and communicates her wants very well. She points and vocalizes with clear intent. And she does have very definite wants!

But she’s usually happy and lots of fun playing with Marvin. She knows just how to play with cars and trucks and trains and all his toys, complete with the sound effects. She can put the Duplo blocks together and tries to hook the train cars and tracks together.

I so so wish my two families could be one! I think John and Manna and kids would love these two, and Lucy and Li would be a good relationship for June and Marvin to have, and ultimately would be a positive thing for all of them. I don’t know how to make that happen, but I keep hoping for a way, at least an opening in the wall. I guess it will take time. It’s been two years now since things were pretty much over, and the kids began to be aware of that, but I guess that’s not long enough for them to adjust.

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Liana…

([This is the second post in a new series on my children. See the Post, The Children, for an introduction. These are a few entries from a random journal that is mostly just writings, largely undated. I was not very consistent in my journaling in those years, but these are special to me.)

Nov. 11, 1989

Just yesterday, Liana crawled her first hesitant, half-hitch crawls. This morning, a lovely, calm Saturday at home, she crawled nearly the length of the Hopi rug to to a stuffed toy — making sure she had it firmly grasped before she sat back.

I hope I can remember always the joys of watching her play, the delight in her enthusiastic babble of sounds, arms bouncing energetically as she scoots around on her bottom. I know she won’t be doing much more of that now that she’s discovered a superior method of locomotion.

I realize, as I marvel at her baby ways, that I hardly remember those things and the intense pleasure they bring from the babyhood of John or Lucy. I don’t want to forget how sweet it feels. I know I won’t likely feel precisely that again. This last baby…! The feelings are hard to describe — that delicate joy/sorrow mix. She is such a special one — so happy and loving, and quite an adventurous little one. She has a definite stubborn streak and this endearing little way of straining her stomach and arms and going “oooooh” with a very intense face, as if she is doing isometrics — and then breaking into a big smile and laughing about it!

The sheer variety of her spontaneous vocalization is amazing — reminiscent of the mocking bird. She really loves to be outside and get very loud and very excited about the creatures around. Some months ago, when we took her for her first carriage ride without the top, she got fascinated with the trees and sky. After ride, when I had picked her up to take her inside, she made a great effort to tip her head back and look up again to see, apparently, if all that wondrousness was still there.

It’s very gratifying — with this third child — that Li-li seem to really enjoy being with her Daddy and will go to sleep for me often.

July 17, 1990

So many wonderful moments, hours, days with this last little one have gone unrecorded… which is truly a shame, for she is truly a unique child, and I know we’ll forget so much of the dear little things that have had us in tears and in laughter! Her character is very strong! She has a persistence and determination at any task she undertakes, which has won my great admiration!

She’s just learning to talk now and has several phrases that we just haven’t deciphered yet — such as “Dat eye!” repeated with great enthusiasm in a number of situations, usually accompanied by her pointing finger. (My best guess is that it means ‘that way.’) She has lovely, slender fingers and her investigations of the world have been led by that insistently pointed index finger for some time now, almost as if she’s testing the world ahead of herself with it. She is quite loud and loves to scream, especially after being shushed! Defiant little thing!

We just said goodbye to my sister Linda and John and their family, and Liana had to part with beloved cousin Stevie (Tee-veee!) after much hugging and kissing! We hope they see each other often enough to stay close… When we talked about those kisses later, she made little kissy noises and called Stevie’s name over and over… just happy remembering the whole little love scene!

Sept. 14, 1991

Liana is a wonderful but difficult child! Eating pistachios with her this morning is a paradigm of her dealings with life. She can’t quite open them, but she wants to, and so she will eat only the ones that she picks up out of the bowl and hands to me to open for her, saying, “Now, I’m going to eat this one!” The ones I shell and put on the plate for her to eat she assiduously ignores! She also insists on putting the shells in the bowl herself.

She is also most loquacious at 2 1/2 years. She has many very adult phrases and ways of expressing herself. For example, she speaks often of someone being “able” to do something. She has great small-motor skills and is very print-aware, loves books and trying to read, and she pretends to write letters and words.

Jan. 6, 1993

Liana is an unusual and amazing child. I guess, at almost 4, she’s supposed to be a budding conversationalist and have an expanding vocabulary, but the delightful quality of her personality is really beyond just those developments, even as advanced as her verbal skills are.

Last night, she was unusually difficult about bedtime, and her mother spanked her — a very rare event! — for disobeying. As she lay in the bed crying, she began wailing, “These people are crazy!” over and over. She also said, “I’ve got to get out of here!” I went up and tried to talk to her, but could not get her to say why she said it. “They just are!” is all she would say. She did say that she meant all of us! Finally, I just held her and rocked her to sleep. Even today, she would not elaborate on why she said it, but she did not seem to be upset.

This is a rather atypical incident, as she usually will articulate her thoughts and feelings. I wish I had done a better job of recording some of her earlier comments and conversations…

A good example of her uniqueness is the Oatland Island trip. She was a big help in unpacking and packing pottery and was generally great all day. At lunch I took her to see the lower part of the animal trail on the island. She was just charming and delightful with me. In fact, she seemed to make a real effort to make the experience enjoyable for me! Most kids expect the adult to be the entertainer, to meet the needs and expectations of the child — most kids are totally self-absorbed and are hardly aware of the adult unless he fails to do what they want! Which is normal! Liana, however, seems to be able to focus on the other person and intentionally be entertaining and charming, considerate and sweet!

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Baby June

[This is the first post in a new series on my children. See the previous Post, The children, for an introduction.]

Jan. 23, 2018

In my little red journal from 2018 I wrote: Notes on Anna June’s babyhood! And notes that I hope all my children will read after I die. Or in the run-up to that event. Please. Much of it is ‘A letter to my children.’

A Letter to My Children. I hope they’ll all read it! Just so they’ll know how much they are loved.

Anna June, Week 21: MGBC visit. ultrasound. O+, tests good, general screen good, BP 100/74. A girl, long legs, nice brain, all good.

Resume journaling here October 2018 – This is mostly for June and the kids, since I may not be around too far into her life, and with the way things are going, the other kids may not be around as much as I’d like.

So I’m trying to keep this record so they know I am concerned, want to stay in touch, and know that I love them all very much.

June 9, 2018

June was born early this morning! [Still looking for journal entries…]

October 21, 2018

It’s a Sunday, quiet day at home with Taylor, Marvin and June, and the first truly cool Fall day we’ve had. Taylor and Granny are cooking and Marvin is watching PBS Kids. Pretty normal day.

I suppose my awareness of my own mortality is stronger lately, as that 72nd birthday seemed to be hard to take. So maybe that’s contributing to this new journaling impetus, especially as I think of June maturing, wondering “What was Dad like?” Wondering how things were in those early months, years. And me not there to talk to her about it all…

Plus, I want to get back to journaling as a practice for myself, as well as for the other kids and grandkids to have some insight into my thoughts regarding all this, all these family changes as related to them. …

So – all this rolling around in my mind, making me re-think the best venue, the vehicle, for this purpose. I write here, but how do all these interests get served by me writing in this little red notebook? Maybe do a document that could more easily be shared, with this as pre-writing, drafting, just getting motivated to do other things that I send? … I remind myself of my mother! Tho I don’t have her agenda..

I must remember to keep in the forefront of my mind that it’s for them, to let them know they were loved and appreciated through all this. I need to work to communicate with them all along and not just after the fact.

December 13, 2018

Continuing to try to document this process of accommodation to the new circumstances of my life… notes for the children… thinking of blogging it.

The mediation went well… a difficult process, but done.

And big news! Anna June is crawling! She’s been up on all fours for weeks, but yesterday she did the alternate knee/hand crawl for several steps, and today she’s crawling four feet or more at a clip! Plus she’s being so adorable and cute and sweet all the time and just a real joy to my life! I am endlessly grateful for this wonderful gift in my later life!

I really love that she is so sweet with me, and that I can get her to sleep when she’s in distress at night or needs a nap. Her sleeping on my chest is so sweet and healing to my spirit. She loves to play and loves to dance! A very active, curious baby. Now that she’s crawling, our lives will be busier for sure, just keeping up with her!

December 20, 2018

The Winter Solstice is here! We hunker down for the long cold winter! It has been pretty cold and wet all Fall.

June continues to amaze us with her happy energy and her great dexterity! These, fine beautiful finger are so active and so good picking things up and manipulating them! She reached another milestone today, crawling up the steps from playroom to kitchen. I watched her try over and over to get that knee up on the higher level, and finally she got it. Then, after several tries, the other one came up and she crawled a little in. Then, she pushed up into “downward dog” on toes and sat up!

She’s really trying to pull up on chairs and things, so that will come soon. She may be walking by spring! She’s into everything already. And she loves the mandolin! Marvin and I were playing with Taylor’s mandolin today, and she just crawled right over, got in on the fun. Then she took it from me and started scratching and beating on it! Anything new, she wants to investigate. She loves to play! And loves to laugh!

Preparations for our second Christmas together are going well… we cut a tree from the yard, decorating with nice, simple natural garlands. Taylor has such a nice sense of tasteful, artistic touches in the house, using natural things, handmade ornaments mostly.

Marvin is doing much better lately! Though he still has some meltdowns, like tonight, when he can’t settle down. Would be good to know what his issues are… He and I seem to get on fine most of the time. He still doesn’t seem to believe that I mean what I say, but he’s being better at taking suggestions.

December 22, 2018

June’s delightful babyhood is hard to capture. I keep thinking of things I want to record, then forget them when I sit down to write in my journal. She does seem to love music. She’s always responded to my lullabies, and if she’s crying, I can stand her in my lap and start singing a lively little melody and she’ll stop crying and start bouncing and dancing and laughing! She laughed and laughed when I blew raspberries on her tummy today!

She loves for me to walk with her. It will always stop her crying. Many nights in those first few weeks, I was up for an hour or more walking her when she was having a hard time sleeping, just being cranky. She also loves to walk outside, or just to look out the windows. She’s fascinated by the chickens, and she enjoys crawling around in the grass.

Sometimes it seems she can see right into my soul! I feel a deep connection with her. I said to several people after she was born that on some levels, it felt like she brought Taylor and me together so that she could come into the world! It seems to me that she is such a wonderful gift to the world that however outside of social convention Taylor and my relationship is, it is a positive thing and right for us to be together.

Which brings me to the difficult topic of trying to re-establish relationships with my other kids, especially Liana, who has been pretty angry about the breakup of the family. I have wanted to make some attempts to communicate, but I don’t quite know how. I don’t want to make things worse, so I keep putting it off. My greatest weakness…

I want to talk to her about how I never realized she would take this all so badly, and that we really believed she would come around, understand. I suppose we thought that because she is not one to follow social conventions either. I realize that she’s most upset because she felt deceived by me, and I realize now that I should have been more up front with her from the beginning. But things were so complicated, and I suppose I just thought she really knew how I felt. She’s also pretty upset, as she said, about me leaving it up to her to tell her mother about June. Which I understand, but I just thought I wanted to tell Liana first to be sure she didn’t hear it from someone else.

It’s been a while now, so maybe things will go better now that the whole agony of the divorce process is done. I will try soon.

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The children… (intro)

Life unfolds in often unexpected ways, and the recent developments in this world seem to highlight those uncertainties. My personal life has been very complicated in the past few years–well, always, really! But it seems especially so in the past several years of big changes, new children and new perspectives.

With all this in mind, I’m searching for ways to communicate with my children so that they will know how much they are loved and in what high esteem I hold them. Communication has been hard with all that has happened in our lives, and my youngest child may not even remember much of our time together, given my age and hers, so I’m beginning this new series of blog posts in hopes that it will survive me and be something they can all see at some point, if they’re interested. I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I’ve been trying to be sure that I’m doing this for the right reasons–which would be for their benefit. So that, should they ever wonder about my concerns and love for them, this record is here for them.

Most of what I plan to write here is from my journal entries over the years, plus continuing journal entries as it goes along. I hope to be able to figure out how to both add to the continuing story and do current journal entries and keep it all sequential here. (I think I will keep the posts on June & Marvin, my young children, in time order and drop in posts from the past journal entries on my other children.) I may do another set of Pages, which can be kept in numbered order. (I am creating a new Category for these Posts, ‘The children’.) It will be an experimental process… I will probably not try to keep the old journal entries in time order here. Kinda like the War Journal approach, with an exploded time line…

But I plan to begin at least with posts based on past journal entries, transcribed and expanded/edited as needed. My journals–of which there are quite a few!–are very erratic and confused, as I seemed to always be revising my approach to journaling. So it may involve a good bit of piecing together from different sources to make a coherent narrative.

It will, I hope, always be focused on helping my children live their lives and feel good about themselves.

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The elements of fascism

Because fascism is such an insidious thing, we must be vigilant and well-informed about how it looks in the early stages, before it’s too late.

[First published in November of 2016, this is pretty pertinent today, as the fascist elements released into our society by the Trump Effect are rampant, though seeming to lose much of their momentum lately. We need to remain vigilant.]

Fascism has been sneaking into our lives, into the hearts and minds of our countrymen, slipping into the national dialog in the guise of patriotism, strength, purity, religious piety, safety – all things that seem positive and non-threatening.

Trump and his appointees are pretty clearly leading us to an authoritarian state in the name of protecting us from “outsiders” and that’s why it’s problematic. From Dave Neiwert, a researcher on fascism who’s been following its rise for many years, here are a few of the characteristics that struck me as particularly noticeable in the current political climate:

— Attempted mass mobilization with militarization of political relationships and style and with the goal of a mass party militia
— Positive evaluation and use of, or willingness to use, violence
— Extreme stress on the masculine principle and male dominance, while espousing the organic view of society

— Specific tendency toward an authoritarian, charismatic, personal style of command, whether or not the command is to some degree initially elective. — [from Stanley Payne, in Fascism: Comparison and Definition]

— a mass-based party of committed nationalist militants, working in uneasy but effective collaboration with traditional elites, abandons democratic liberties and pursues with redemptive violence and without ethical or legal constraints goals of internal cleansing and external expansion. [from Robert Paxton’s definition of fascism]

From Paxton’s “mobilizing passions” of fascism:

— the belief that one’s group is a victim, a sentiment which justifies any action, without legal or moral limits, against the group’s enemies, both internal and external;

— dread of the group’s decline under the corrosive effect of individualistic liberalism, class conflict, and alien influences;

— the need for authority by natural leaders (always male), culminating in a national chief who alone is capable of incarnating the group’s destiny;

— the superiority of the leader’s instincts over abstract and universal reason;

From Roger Griffin: “Fascism rejects liberal ideas such as freedom and individual rights, and often presses for the destruction of elections, legislatures, and other elements of democracy.”

Neiwert’s entire essay is worth reading: http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2015/11/donald-trump-may-not-be-fascist-but-he.html