[This is the first post in a new series on my children. See the previous Post, The children, for an introduction.]

Jan. 23, 2018

In my little red journal from 2018 I wrote: Notes on Anna June’s babyhood! And notes that I hope all my children will read after I die. Or in the run-up to that event. Please. Much of it is ‘A letter to my children.’

A Letter to My Children. I hope they’ll all read it! Just so they’ll know how much they are loved.

Anna June, Week 21: MGBC visit. ultrasound. O+, tests good, general screen good, BP 100/74. A girl, long legs, nice brain, all good.

Resume journaling here October 2018 – This is mostly for June and the kids, since I may not be around too far into her life, and with the way things are going, the other kids may not be around as much as I’d like.

So I’m trying to keep this record so they know I am concerned, want to stay in touch, and know that I love them all very much.

June 9, 2018

June was born early this morning! [Still looking for journal entries…]

October 21, 2018

It’s a Sunday, quiet day at home with Taylor, Marvin and June, and the first truly cool Fall day we’ve had. Taylor and Granny are cooking and Marvin is watching PBS Kids. Pretty normal day.

I suppose my awareness of my own mortality is stronger lately, as that 72nd birthday seemed to be hard to take. So maybe that’s contributing to this new journaling impetus, especially as I think of June maturing, wondering “What was Dad like?” Wondering how things were in those early months, years. And me not there to talk to her about it all…

Plus, I want to get back to journaling as a practice for myself, as well as for the other kids and grandkids to have some insight into my thoughts regarding all this, all these family changes as related to them. …

So – all this rolling around in my mind, making me re-think the best venue, the vehicle, for this purpose. I write here, but how do all these interests get served by me writing in this little red notebook? Maybe do a document that could more easily be shared, with this as pre-writing, drafting, just getting motivated to do other things that I send? … I remind myself of my mother! Tho I don’t have her agenda..

I must remember to keep in the forefront of my mind that it’s for them, to let them know they were loved and appreciated through all this. I need to work to communicate with them all along and not just after the fact.

December 13, 2018

Continuing to try to document this process of accommodation to the new circumstances of my life… notes for the children… thinking of blogging it.

The mediation went well… a difficult process, but done.

And big news! Anna June is crawling! She’s been up on all fours for weeks, but yesterday she did the alternate knee/hand crawl for several steps, and today she’s crawling four feet or more at a clip! Plus she’s being so adorable and cute and sweet all the time and just a real joy to my life! I am endlessly grateful for this wonderful gift in my later life!

I really love that she is so sweet with me, and that I can get her to sleep when she’s in distress at night or needs a nap. Her sleeping on my chest is so sweet and healing to my spirit. She loves to play and loves to dance! A very active, curious baby. Now that she’s crawling, our lives will be busier for sure, just keeping up with her!

December 20, 2018

The Winter Solstice is here! We hunker down for the long cold winter! It has been pretty cold and wet all Fall.

June continues to amaze us with her happy energy and her great dexterity! These, fine beautiful finger are so active and so good picking things up and manipulating them! She reached another milestone today, crawling up the steps from playroom to kitchen. I watched her try over and over to get that knee up on the higher level, and finally she got it. Then, after several tries, the other one came up and she crawled a little in. Then, she pushed up into “downward dog” on toes and sat up!

She’s really trying to pull up on chairs and things, so that will come soon. She may be walking by spring! She’s into everything already. And she loves the mandolin! Marvin and I were playing with Taylor’s mandolin today, and she just crawled right over, got in on the fun. Then she took it from me and started scratching and beating on it! Anything new, she wants to investigate. She loves to play! And loves to laugh!

Preparations for our second Christmas together are going well… we cut a tree from the yard, decorating with nice, simple natural garlands. Taylor has such a nice sense of tasteful, artistic touches in the house, using natural things, handmade ornaments mostly.

Marvin is doing much better lately! Though he still has some meltdowns, like tonight, when he can’t settle down. Would be good to know what his issues are… He and I seem to get on fine most of the time. He still doesn’t seem to believe that I mean what I say, but he’s being better at taking suggestions.

December 22, 2018

June’s delightful babyhood is hard to capture. I keep thinking of things I want to record, then forget them when I sit down to write in my journal. She does seem to love music. She’s always responded to my lullabies, and if she’s crying, I can stand her in my lap and start singing a lively little melody and she’ll stop crying and start bouncing and dancing and laughing! She laughed and laughed when I blew raspberries on her tummy today!

She loves for me to walk with her. It will always stop her crying. Many nights in those first few weeks, I was up for an hour or more walking her when she was having a hard time sleeping, just being cranky. She also loves to walk outside, or just to look out the windows. She’s fascinated by the chickens, and she enjoys crawling around in the grass.

Sometimes it seems she can see right into my soul! I feel a deep connection with her. I said to several people after she was born that on some levels, it felt like she brought Taylor and me together so that she could come into the world! It seems to me that she is such a wonderful gift to the world that however outside of social convention Taylor and my relationship is, it is a positive thing and right for us to be together.

Which brings me to the difficult topic of trying to re-establish relationships with my other kids, especially Liana, who has been pretty angry about the breakup of the family. I have wanted to make some attempts to communicate, but I don’t quite know how. I don’t want to make things worse, so I keep putting it off. My greatest weakness…

I want to talk to her about how I never realized she would take this all so badly, and that we really believed she would come around, understand. I suppose we thought that because she is not one to follow social conventions either. I realize that she’s most upset because she felt deceived by me, and I realize now that I should have been more up front with her from the beginning. But things were so complicated, and I suppose I just thought she really knew how I felt. She’s also pretty upset, as she said, about me leaving it up to her to tell her mother about June. Which I understand, but I just thought I wanted to tell Liana first to be sure she didn’t hear it from someone else.

It’s been a while now, so maybe things will go better now that the whole agony of the divorce process is done. I will try soon.